a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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