I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
