I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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