Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
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