Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
