there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
