Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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