my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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