just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
