remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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