you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
