I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I still have a little drunk in my system
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
