I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
