I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
