dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
