The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
