im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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