Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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