I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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