my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
i out mim tonsoeep
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