In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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