The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
