A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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