I met the friendliest cop last night
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
