i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
