at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
