I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do vagina's smell?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
