Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
