I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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