Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
