I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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