so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
