at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Vodka?
Forever.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
