I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
