I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We're too hungover to prance.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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