my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
