so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
