I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
