But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
