I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
