I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
