I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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