the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
