Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
