found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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