yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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