It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
