I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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