My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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