I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
