a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
